I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
