You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When did angry sex become our thing?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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