Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
