I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm too high and old for this...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
