is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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