Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
