just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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