I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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