Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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