I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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