you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
