she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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