end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize