if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
