You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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