I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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