just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
