I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
