I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
