On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
