obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
