your parents love me but you hate me
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
