my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So squirting runs in the family.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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