im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
