She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
