ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
