drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
