why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
