I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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