stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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