I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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