so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
