Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
