My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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