I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize