I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
