Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
