She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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