Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
is wine microwaveable?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
