It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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