I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize