I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Congratulations! We have a period
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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