watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
