It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
