You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
