At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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