I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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