hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
