I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
