I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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