The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
