If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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