We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
