I look better un-naked...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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