You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
