I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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