Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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