someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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