toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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