it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
