How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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