There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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