My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
